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Are You There Vodka It s Me Chelsea

Are You There  Vodka  It s Me  Chelsea Author Chelsea Handler
ISBN-10 9781416596363
Release 2009-12-29
Pages 264
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The comedienne star of the Chelsea Handler Show describes her experiences with misbegotten boyfriends, her eccentric mixed-religion parents and the working world, a lifetime marked by numerous inebriated misadventures. Reprint. A #1 best-seller.



Are You There Vodka It s Me Chelsea

Are You There  Vodka  It s Me  Chelsea Author Chelsea Handler
ISBN-10 9781416959151
Release 2008-04-22
Pages 240
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THE EAGERLY AWAITED COLLECTION OF PERSONAL ESSAYS FROM THE BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF MY HORIZONTAL LIFE When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power -- vodka. You would too if you found out that your boyfriend was having an affair with a Peekapoo or if you had to pretend to be honeymooning with your father in order to upgrade to first class. Welcome to Chelsea's world -- a place where absurdity reigns supreme and a quick wit is the best line of defense. In this hilarious, deliciously skewed collection, Chelsea mines her past for stories about her family, relationships, and career that are at once singular and ridiculous. Whether she's convincing her third-grade class that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin, deciding to be more egalitarian by dating a redhead, or looking out for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little person who looks just like her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for getting herself into the most outrageous situations. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and irresistible turns of phrase that have made her one of the freshest voices in comedy today.



Are you there Vodka It s me Chelsea

Are you there Vodka  It s me  Chelsea Author Chelsea Handler
ISBN-10 9781448135929
Release 2012-02-29
Pages 272
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Chelsea Handler is a woman on a mission. She's smart, sassy and not afraid to speak her mind. From an early age Chelsea knew exactly what she wanted and even in the trickiest of situations, she's never one to pass up an opportunity. Like the time she convinced her third-grade class she was shooting movies with Goldie Hawn on location in the Galapagos just to get them to like her, or when she spent the night in a women's prison, contemplating an affair with the inmate who killed her own sister. Chelsea it seems, has done it all, and a whole lot more ... Any mishaps along the way just spur Chelsea on further. Whether she is being dry-humped by a sumo masseur, dumped by her Big Red experiment or kicked out of a London restaurant with her pants down, Chelsea is always armed with an unshakeable disregard for rules and is incapable of leading a quiet life. Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea is an entertaining memoir-in-stories that will have you rolling around with laughter.



Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang Author Chelsea Handler
ISBN-10 9780446563536
Release 2010-04-01
Pages 256
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WHAT . . . A RIOT! Life doesn't get more hilarious than when Chelsea Handler takes aim with her irreverent wit. Who else would send all-staff emails to smoke out the dumbest people on her show? Now, in this new collection of original essays, the #1 bestselling author of Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea delivers one laugh-out-loud moment after another as she sets her sights on the ridiculous side of childhood, adulthood, and daughterhood. Family moments are fair game, whether it's writing a report on Reaganomics to earn a Cabbage Patch doll, or teaching her father social graces by ordering him to stay indoors. It's open season on her love life, from playing a prank on her boyfriend (using a ravioli, a fake autopsy, and the Santa Monica pier) to adopting a dog so she can snuggle with someone who doesn't talk. And everyone better duck for cover when her beach vacation turns into matchmaking gone wild. Outrageously funny and deliciously wicked, CHELSEA CHELSEA BANG BANG is good good good good! CHELSEA HANDLER ON... Being unpopular: "My parents couldn't have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren't purchased at a pharmacy." Living with her boyfriend: "He's similar to a large toddler, the only difference being he doesn't cry when he wakes up." Appreciating her brother: "He's a certified public accountant, and I have a real life." Arm-wrestling a maid of honor: "It wasn't her strength that intimidated me. It was the starry way her eyes focused on me, like Mike Tyson getting ready to feed."



Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me

Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me Author Chelsea Handler
ISBN-10 1455504661
Release 2014-07-01
Pages 139
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"My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate."--Chelsea Handler, from Chapter 10 of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang It's no lie: Chelsea Handler loves to smoke out "dumbassness," the condition people suffer from that allows them to fall prey to her brand of complete and utter nonsense. Friends, family, co-workers--they've all been tricked by Chelsea into believing stories of total foolishness and into behaving like total fools. Luckily, they've lived to tell the tales and, for the very first time, write about them.



My Horizontal Life

My Horizontal Life Author Chelsea Handler
ISBN-10 9781455577521
Release 2013-04-30
Pages 240
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In this raucous collection of true-life stories, Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand. You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool. Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.



Uganda Be Kidding Me

Uganda Be Kidding Me Author Chelsea Handler
ISBN-10 9781455599721
Release 2014-03-04
Pages 272
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Wherever Chelsea Handler travels, one thing is certain: she always ends up in the land of the ridiculous. Now, in this uproarious collection, she sneaks her sharp wit through airport security and delivers her most absurd and hilarious stories ever. On safari in Africa, it's anyone's guess as to what's more dangerous: the wildlife or Chelsea. But whether she's fumbling the seduction of a guide by not knowing where tigers live (Asia, duh) or wearing a bathrobe into the bush because her clothes stopped fitting seven margaritas ago, she's always game for the next misadventure. The situation gets down and dirty as she defiles a kayak in the Bahamas, and outright sweaty as she escapes from a German hospital on crutches. When things get truly scary, like finding herself stuck next to a passenger with bad breath, she knows she can rely on her family to make matters even worse. Thank goodness she has the devoted Chunk by her side-except for the time she loses him in Telluride. Complete with answers to the most frequently asked traveler's questions, hot travel trips, and travel etiquette, none of which should be believed, UGANDA BE KIDDING ME has Chelsea taking on the world, one laugh-out-loud incident at a time.



Are You There God It s Me Margaret

Are You There God  It s Me  Margaret Author Judy Blume
ISBN-10 9781481409933
Release 2014-04-29
Pages 192
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Faced with the difficulties of growing up and choosing a religion, a twelve-year-old girl talks over her problems with her own private God.



Note to Self

Note to Self Author Gayle King
ISBN-10 9781982102104
Release 2018-05-08
Pages 176
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Gayle King shares her favorite inspiring letters from the popular CBS This Morning segment Note to Self, in which twenty-first century luminaries pen advice and encouragement to the young people they once were. What do Congressman John Lewis, Dr. Ruth, Kesha, and Kermit the Frog wish they could tell their younger selves? What about a gay NFL player or the most successful female racecar driver? In Note to Self, CBS This Morning cohost Gayle King shares some of the most memorable letters from the broadcast’s popular segment of the same name. With essays from such varied figures as Oprah, Vice President Joe Biden, Chelsea Handler, and Maya Angelou—as well as poignant words from a Newtown father and a military widow—Note to Self is a lovely reflection on the joys and challenges of growing up and a perfect gift for any occasion.



Man Up

Man Up Author Ross Mathews
ISBN-10 9781455501793
Release 2013-05-07
Pages 204
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As a young kid growing up in a farm town, Ross Mathews might as well have wished for a pet unicorn or a calorie-free cookie tree to grow in his front yard. Either of those far-fetched fantasies would have been more likely to come true than his real dream: working in television in Hollywood, California. Seriously, that stuff just doesn't happen to people like Ross. But guess what. It totally did. Now, with his first book, Ross takes us inside his journey as a super-fan, revealing the most embarrassing and hilarious moments of his small-town life and big-city adventures. From learning to swear like a hardened trucker to that time in high school when had to face down the most frightening opponent of all (his girlfriend's lady bits), Ross holds nothing back. Oh, then there's his surprisingly shady past involving the cutest pair of plus-sized women's pajama bottoms, deliciously dangerous pot butter, and embezzled sandwiches. And, of course, how he's managed to turn an obsession with pop-culture into one-on-one interactions with celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, Tiffani-Amber Theissen, Madonna, Michelle Kwan, and countless more without ever having a single restraining order issued against him. Infused with Ross's trademark humor, unique voice, and total honesty, MAN UP! is a mission statement for anyone who doesn't fit the mold. His hasn't been the most traditional way to build a career in Hollywood, but Ross has somehow managed to make his mark without ever compromising who he is. He is as serious about this as he is about Golden Girls trivia: You don't need to change who you are to achieve your dreams (although there's nothing wrong with a makeover every now and then). You just need to Man Up!



My Inappropriate Life

My Inappropriate Life Author Heather McDonald
ISBN-10 9781451672220
Release 2013-02-05
Pages 253
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A comedy writer on the televison show "Chelsea Lately" shares her misadventures with married life and parenthood, describing her relationship with next-door parents, her baby-seeking sister, and judgmental neighborhood moms.



Home After Dark A Novel

Home After Dark  A Novel Author David Small
ISBN-10 9781631493362
Release 2018-09-11
Pages 400
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David Small’s long-awaited graphic novel is a savage portrayal of male adolescence gone awry like no other work of recent fiction or film. Wildly kaleidoscopic and furiously cinematic, Home After Dark is a literary tour-de-force that renders the brutality of adolescence in the so-called nostalgic 1950s, evoking such classics as The Lord of the Flies. Thirteen-year-old Russell Pruitt, abandoned by his mother, follows his father to sun-splashed California in search of a dream. Suddenly forced to fend for himself, Russell struggles to survive in Marshfield, a dilapidated town haunted by a sadistic animal killer and a ring of malicious boys who bully Russell for being “queer.” Rescued from his booze-swilling father by Wen and Jian Mah, a Chinese immigrant couple who long for a child, Russell betrays their generosity by running away with their restaurant’s proceeds. Told almost entirely through thousands of spliced images, once again “employ[ing] angled shots and silent montages worthy of Alfred Hitchcock” (Washington Post, on Stitches), Home After Dark becomes a new form of literature in this shocking graphic interpretation of cinema verité.



Life as I Blow it

Life as I Blow it Author Sarah Colonna
ISBN-10 9780345528377
Release 2012
Pages 239
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Traces the story of the comedian's youth in small-town Arkansas, her relocation at twenty-one to her father's home in California, and her vice-marked acting career.



The Bedwetter

The Bedwetter Author Sarah Silverman
ISBN-10 9780061987076
Release 2010-04-20
Pages 256
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From the outrageously filthy and oddly innocent comedienne and star of the powerful 2015 film I Smile Back Sarah Silverman comes a memoir—her first book—that is at once shockingly personal, surprisingly poignant, and still pee-in-your-pants funny. If you like Sarah’s television show The Sarah Silverman Program, or memoirs such as Chelsea Handler’s Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea and Artie Lange’s Too Fat to Fish, you’ll love The Bedwetter.



The Sorceress the Summoner

The Sorceress   the Summoner Author Joshua D. McArthur
ISBN-10 9781479737888
Release 2012-11-27
Pages 372
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The worlds are changing. In a world far from our own, where magic and myth are one in the same, a declaration of war is announced. The announcement sets in motion a chain of events that tear into the very fabric of time and space. An ancient legacy has returned to the magical world of Ivane, which had been thought long extinct. Since anyone can remember, there have always been two lines of magic. The first is the essence of the Sorceress. It has been ten years since the last reincarnation of the Sorceress, ten years since very her essence has poisoned an undeserving woman. But suddenly, it has returned. Now, to fight off the evil, three heroes are called upon to help vanquish the essence for good. Legend tells of the one who can manage this seemingly impossible feat. The one who can achieve this is graced with the essences lighter equivalent, the Summoner. Aliz Dominio, a beautiful, gifted young mage from the Alinta Aces; Gogora's only army joins forces with Eddy Seamer. Eddy is a tough but loveable bladesman, and they are joined by one of their mentors, Keryn Blackhart, a patriotic perfectionist who cannot be beaten with a rifle. Together, they embark on a quest that pans the wondrous world they have all grown up in. Only the Summoner can call forth the ancient sceptre of the Gods. This ancient artefact is said to hold the power to vanquish the Summoners evil counterpart and restore peace, if only for a while. But something is different this time around and deep in Aliz's heart a horrible truth is beginning to emerge . . . In old times, a prophecy was made. It spoke of the two ancient lines of magic and how they once belonged to the one who the people of Ivane consider God. It tells of the two lines of magic reuniting in one being, who will ultimately become a God among men. As Aliz and her friends reach their target, the heart wrenching truth is exposed. The true identity of the Sorceress is revealed, and the events that follow are truly catastrophic. When one inherits the essence of the Sorceress, their soul is twisted and corrupted beyond imagining. The darkness within becomes too strong and is unleashed, releasing chaos in its never-ending pursuit for power. It is a wicked burden to bear, and when Aliz inherits this unwanted gift, her soul is thrust into oblivion, and she emerges as the new goddess, forever thirsty for dominance. Now it is up to Aliz's boyfriend, Eddy, and his new friend Keryn to help Aliz. The only option seems bleak, and Eddy drowns in despair. But in a world where anything is possible, can there be a way to pull somebody back from the abyss? Do our heroes try and spit in the face of destiny? Or can destiny be changed? And if they do change destiny, then what?



The Guest Cat

The Guest Cat Author Takashi Hiraide
ISBN-10 9780811221511
Release 2014-01-28
Pages 144
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A wonderful sui generis novel about a visiting cat who brings joy into a couple’s life in Tokyo A bestseller in France and winner of Japan’s Kiyama Shohei Literary Award, The Guest Cat, by the acclaimed poet Takashi Hiraide, is a subtly moving and exceptionally beautiful novel about the transient nature of life and idiosyncratic but deeply felt ways of living. A couple in their thirties live in a small rented cottage in a quiet part of Tokyo; they work at home, freelance copy-editing; they no longer have very much to say to one another. But one day a cat invites itself into their small kitchen. It leaves, but the next day comes again, and then again and again. Soon they are buying treats for the cat and enjoying talks about the animal and all its little ways. Life suddenly seems to have more promise for the husband and wife — the days have more light and color. The novel brims with new small joys and many moments of staggering poetic beauty, but then something happens…. As Kenzaburo Oe has remarked, Takashi Hiraide’s work "really shines." His poetry, which is remarkably cross-hatched with beauty, has been acclaimed here for "its seemingly endless string of shape-shifting objects and experiences,whose splintering effect is enacted via a unique combination of speed and minutiae."



A Year in Van Nuys

A Year in Van Nuys Author Sandra Tsing Loh
ISBN-10 0609809512
Release 2002-05-01
Pages 234
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Shares the anti-Hollywood life of Sandra Tsing Loh, self-described neurotic and public radio commentator.